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| Yet another chapter in my broken life.
I went to the business/entrepreneurship thing. The speakers I met blew
me away. They were people VERY much like me, but they had ideas,
motivation, and endless supplies of energy. How do they never get
tired?
Still I learned a lot from them that I know will be useful later on.
Gator nights was fun. I enjoyed the Dukes of Hazzard. It really is a good movie.
Got back and there were quite a few parties going on. I was afraid to
just walk up and see what was going on with Nikhil. Perhaps I need to
go on meds again. I can feel the sickness slowly creeping back into my
life without World of Warcraft there to hold it off. This sucks.
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| Man I really should pimp this site out. Put music and some nice GIF's up.
So I turn 20 in 3 hours.Grats me. So I passed up drinking with my friends to work on Digital Logic. What else is new?
At least I made A's on my tests in digital logic and Circuits II. And I
made an A on my test in the Grandeur that was Rome (well I don't really
know, but I knew all but 2 questions, so I should get an A). So I'm
happy to have that stress out of my life. Exams are going to suck later
though. Zory could F me over.
Jessie is coming to Gainesville this weekend? Gotta find her number, I
don't know where it is and for some reason it's not in my phone. I
thought I had it...
I'm getting to the point where I have trouble focusing on work - the
very reason I'm typing this right now. World of Warcraft helped
that out, since it was a reward for working hard. It's pretty obvious I
can't replace WoW with intensifying my studying. I need to find other
things to do. Working out has been a good outlet. Really, I need (or
think I do!) a girlfriend or something to focus my energy on. That
would probably be the best solution, but I have no idea how to make
that happen.
Though I did meet a girl named Melba (sp?) today. She's a senior in EE,
and advised me on my future at UF. Very pretty, very nice, and very
well spoken. Of course, I don't think dating her would ever be
possible, but she seems like a good person to be friends with. I don't
see her around NEB very often though. Perhaps she spends all her time
in the senior design lab.
Long live Augustus:
8 Thy Naiad airs have brought me home
9 To the glory that was Greece,
10 And the grandeur that was Rome.
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| I hate my life right about now.
To clarify, that is not all the time, just right now. Today is Halloween. What have I done? I woke up at 8:00. Spent 2 hours working on my computer. Then I went to school. I was in the NEB until 6:00 PM, at which point I went to another class. I didn't get home till 7:45, at which I promptly ate for the first time in 10 hours. (Actually I had a frozen latte, don't know if that counts)
What did I do the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that? The same thing... I am always working my damn ass off. I have TWO friends OUT OF 50000 students at this university and one of them works even harder than I do.
I've had no girlfriend in TWO years! Where was I two years ago? With Sarah, at the Halloween Fair. A couple weeks later, and we split. Nearly broke my heart. I don't remember what it's like to kiss a girl. What does that feel like? The memories, so far away.
My lack of social interaction is driving me insane. It drove me to be addicted to World of Warcraft. I was obsessed, since I got to meet new people in a competitive setting all the time. What great interaction. I really only have one friend. My other roommates get on my nerves. Alex never talks to anyone and Mike reminds me of a mosquito - I just want to flick him away. He tries to tell me all this shit about BMI - I mean come on, IM THE FUCKING ELECTRICAL ENGINEER! NOT YOU, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN PASS PHYSICS. And it's not like you're being lazy. You just can't do it. Switch fucking majors.
How do I come to grips with the fact that I should have chosen Olin? I truly believe that I would have found a community of like minded people there. That doesn't exist here. The closest thing that exists are the few of us just constantly grinding away on our papers in the New Engineering Building. What kind of life is this? How would one tell their parents -- you guys made the wrong decision for me. Thanks for ruining the best years of my life. One things for sure -- I'm learning a shit-ton here, probably more than I would at Olin. This place is hard as hell. But at what price? 50000 isn't right for me. I have no friends.
I quit World of Warcraft because it was a grind. I was constantly working for better items and gear, and better reputation. I could no longer see the long term rewards. What about life? It's starting to feel like a grind too. WHY for Christ sakes am I working so hard in what are "the best years of my life?" If these are the best years of my life, I would appreciate it if you all just killed me now, since the last time I had any fun was on a fucking addiction to a video game. That is a pitiful existance.
What are the rewards of my lifestyle? I'll be rich, but I'll be burnt out and have no friends or family to share the fruits of my efforts. Nikhil and I really are right. We'd probably be better off just flipping burgers all day long and not asking any questions about it.
I think this is best addressed as a call to God. Help me find meaning in my life. Show me the good times other people have. Show me the paths to new, insightful, good people to share my experiences with. I am not happy, I don't even come to Your House anymore. God, please. I've been lonely 20 years of my life. Make it stop. I don't want to be alone for another 80. Really, I'm begging you. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep, and when I wake up in the morning, I'll feel a lot better. I'll go to class, then study for Digital Logic for 3 hours, then eat, and then study for Solid State for another 2 hours, then work out, then come home, and grind away continuously trying to learn. But when I come home, it will just be me. Mike will be talking without using his brain. Alex will be hiding in his room. Nikhil will be working. And I'll be all alone. God, I've always said I'll never be married, because there's no one there for me, and I'm sure I'm right. I would give the world to someone to come home to. Why was I cursed to live like this? | | |
| Lovely.
GOt in a wreck today. You bet that was fun. Incidentally the same day as Jane gets in a wreck. wtf?
Anyways I'm on Acadian. I have a mild headache, had a long day, and I'm thinking about the Mandelbrot Math test. Anyways, being the ever cautious driver, I look in my rearview mirror. I see Waldy talking on a cellphone. (That Mrs. Waldrop for everyone else) So I'm like hey, it's my favorite senior English teacher. Then I decide fresh air would be nice, so I roll down the windows. A minute later, I decide some old fashioned Led Zepelling would be good so I turn on the music relatively loud. I look in the rearview mirror and there's Waldo still on her cellphone.
So now I'm about to turn on the interstate. Theres a green light, but no arrow. Theres an opening in traffic and about 3 cars leave. I pull up, and Waldys still talking. In the lane furthest from me a bunch of cars are backed up trying to turn right to get on the interstate. But they can't because they have to yield to us. Genius Josh says, Oh, they're all stopped. He He I can go because they're stopped. AND nobody's coming from the other lane. He he. So I of course I decide to go. The cars that were turning to get on the interstate all of a sudden slow down so I stop and then I notice that there WAS a guy in oncoming traffic(good thing they slowed down or he really woulda hit me). SO my nose is out in the intersection with a van hurtling toward it. Lovely. He screeches on his breaks. I can't do a thing. He hits me. My heart skips a beat. Waldy's eyes are the size of dinner plates. Mine must be the size of Mount Everest. Waldy keeps talking, not knowing it was me. So the van and I go on over to Citgo. They have some ghetto dudes repairing cars, by the way.
Anyway I admit it was my fault since I didnt yield. Fuck I say(to myself). Why didn't I see him? I decide that it was because I had a headache, I was thinking about Waldy, I was thinking about those darn cars slowing down and speeding up in front of me, I was thinking of Macbeth, I was thinking about Mandelbrot, and I was thinking about the radio ALL AT ONCE!!!!!!!!!! And when I finally saw him it was too late. Alas, never shall be the same. Fork. So we're at the Citgo.
Guy calls cops, which I'm cool with. I give him my info, he gives me his. I don't have an up to date insurance card but I know the policy hasn't changed. The damage:
1. My car = Big dents in side above tire. No big deal there. Hole in bumper 2 inches big. Maybe not big deal because theres a flap of bumper still there. Like 3 sides of a square were punched in the bumper. THey may be able to put like putty on it. Possible wheel misalignment.
2. His car = Forked over. He has a van, but of course it has to be a cheap arse Toyota. His rubber bumper is destroyed. His hood is dented. His grill is a bit dented. Possible bending of grill frame, but not too much.
Best case repairs = They give him new bumper & pop out dents. They pop out dents in my car and putty up the whole. Alls well that ends well.
Worst case repairs = I get a new bumper & dents are popped out. He gets a new bumper, grill, and hood. Fork your momma!
We make idle chit-chat all the while I'm so freaking nervous about money and insurance and stuff. I call Ben and tell him. He gets worried and vows to tell mom as per my request. My dads at a meeting in middle of nowhere (actually New Orleans) and my mom is taking art lessons. WTF(what-the-fork) I say. We call cops because they havent shown up in like 40 minutes. Apparently there were 2 wrecks on Acadian, so they forgot about us. We call and wait. Again we call. And again. An hour and 15 minutes have elapsed. The poor guy took off work to do errands. Now his car is forked and he needs to get it fixed and he's wasting his time. But he's nice about it. The cop comes and writes a report. Whatever muthaforka. Me, I'm worried my wheel might be bent, so it will drive funny.
I go home and things get worse. My mom is happy I'm alive. Ben is happy, tells me he loves me. My mom seems really odd. My dad calls. We talk for a while. He too tells me he's happy I'm ok and that insurance will take care of everything. Good & nice. My mom really acts funny. I pressure her. She asks if my dad yelled or talked about money. Turns out he and my mom fought for an hour. She forced him to not yell at me. Mom breaks down and talks about how wonderful it was to have 4 people she could go to for problems and get complete understanding. My mom tells me how she's been in 1 accident the past 20 years, when she backed into a fence and how she was so afraid to tell my dad because god forbid it will cost money and stuff. My mom talks about how she lives in a marriage of fear and hypocrisy, and my dad gets a ticket every year and has been arrested. She says she's glad she only has 4 years left till Ben's out of school. Then she can leave him. She wants me to get as much scholarship money as I can, because I should leave and never come back, even though she will miss me. She doesn't want me to ensure his hate and what she feels is his abuse. She yelled at him for an hour, she says, because she refuses for her child to be raised in abuse. She tells me to go to college and NEVER ask him for money. If I was in trouble, I should go to her or her parents. Not my dad. Fork, you say? I agree. Poor mom, she really broke down. I'm going to bed. What-the-fork.
I wonder if Waldy knew it was me who got in the wreck. Probably not, she was too busy talking on her cellphone and being bubbly.
BTW, made a new xanga.
www.xanga.com/anthropomorphology
WWFD (What would fork do?)
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| Word up guys? Short entry this time. I like this journal. I don't want to update my journal, because I don't want those wholly honest and brutally truthful and completely crappy entries I have written to go away. I think they describe me better than anything I could ever write or do. So I think I'm going to make a new diary - Joshizle - so that this one can stay forever. Maybe that one will be the more lame account of my life, this one can be the scathingly brilliant creation it was meant to be. Now, go with God!
Mwahahaha. I destroyed a gingerbread house. I have pictures. It was gorgeousness and gorgeousocity made flesh. Give life to my divine incarnation!!!!! | | |
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